i still cant sleep...

"I played connect the dots with your beauty marks
And I ended up with picture perfect sheet music
I read your musical notes with a composer's eyes
And heard our song for the first time
My spine is still tingling.

Mental images of your fine tune
is what I've been nodding my head to lately
Every now and then you can catch me humming
your nudity under my heavy breath
I heavily suggest you resurrect
your ancient neglected dust collector
If you distrust the distance in my seldom plucked heart strings
Sit stripped before your full length

Perform your reflection backwards
Maybe then you will understand the rhythm in my movement
Listen when the news is sent
Extend when the rules are bent
I'll be waiting to take your leave

Make me a victim of your two step
Make me an apprentice of your body parts
Teach me to dance to your beauty marks
I'm stepping on toes here and I don't care
It's hopeless, it's hopeless

It's hopelessness holding this openness to blow a kiss
So close your lips but don't get pissed
and throw a fist at this vocalist
I'm not emotionless, in fact I broke my wrist
when I wrote the list of all those I miss
This is my poker face, Mister Feel Nothing"

I heard these words many years ago, but only as of recent have I LISTENED to what Sage was saying. I find myself loosing sleep over the idea of yet another missed opportunity while I painfully repeat passages from the piece above for comfort. I find myself adjusting my preconceived ideas of perfection and question my methods of expression to those who I feel deserve it. I find myself debating the good and bad of the past nine months, and wonder how I could have played it differently while still taking in the experiences as I enjoyed the view. I find myself diving deeper into the pool of pessimism, which I have to say, is the hardest part. Its an exchange of childhood hopes for actuality, and its rough no matter how I cut it. Call it growth as I have, for its the only sense I can make of it. I look around every day and see that people, as a whole, are loosing at an alarming rate the class and respect for strangers that once made interactions with others so appealing. It's a hard thing to come to the conclusion that what I want might not exist anymore. I am, for lack of a better term, loosing my faith in humanity. Ive numbed my mind to block out the pain, stepping into the roll of "Mister Feel Nothing" and this would indeed be my poker face.

As a race, we are nothing more than a thin coating on this planet, and like a virus, we attempt to spread until there are no resources left to sustain life. At some point, our snowballing ways of life will catch up to us when earth wipes her surface clean and starts anew. Keeping this in mind, I know that my thoughts, lessons, and opinions are insignificant to the big picture, and will be forgotten in a period of time that will amount to a couple years after my passing at best. Its just a shame that all of these ideas, along with the lessons learned in it, and opinions expressed, really do mean nothing, And the mandatory time spent wallowing in sorrow for those lost is nothing but necessary wasted time.

Two equally important conclusions Ive drawn to invite actual sleep tonight:
I miss her. I miss the idea of her.