feel this

Feel this.

Explore this.

Delve into the depths that is this sorrow and find your own space within it.

Become comfortable with the sentiments that have presented themselves.

After all, the sole purpose of these emotions is to bring to light that we are not only capable of feeling them, but that we’re capable of creating them from gentle pulses of electricity in the first place.

Embrace the power of emotional manifestation. Appreciate it. Experience it. 

Take solace in the fact that they will cease eventually,

But for now it is your duty to acknowledge the unfamiliar territory, and leave no shaded stone unturned within the shadowy story that is this rough patch.

Your personal evolvement depends upon it.

Saunter away tall;

Don’t run

Cringe when your back is turned and brace for impact.

When nothing hits, you’ll be gifted the realization that you alone kept your course.

Strengths will be tested.

Weaknesses will decloak.

Habits will be taken for granted.

Patterns will form.

Communication will cease.

You will walk alone.

You will walk amongst others too, but for now

Saunter away tall whilst this sorrow lingers.

It will indeed be gone sooner than we know

Explore this.

Feel this.

I miss my fucking friends.

I find it hard to rationalize all of this really. It's a matter that keeps me up at night, and prevents me from waking up once Ive acquired enough slumber. It's silly to think that I've made almost no progress in a little over two months on the matter, when I usually can, in most situations, solve anything over a brief span of time. The big speed bumps are just those, speed bumps. They prevent you from cruising at a speed that will allow you to arrive to your destination in a timely manner. They exist solely to get in your way, to force one to think about how the present moment will be navigated. But this one, among others, is a big one for me. Mountainous. Massive. Yet it exists as a mundane drone in my mind. Just gnawing away at me when my mind goes idle. I miss my fucking friends.

I'm at a point where the world could potentially come crashing down around me. The blames are distributed equally between myself and the world around me. My mother is sick, and my schooling has not gone to plan. I question who I am, and if I have the motivation to continue on in a society with practices I so strongly disagree with. I wallow in sorrows, but it's who am. I live in the deep darkness, and thrive the calm of desolate late nights. I appreciate solitude when times get tough. I work shit out in my mind, and don't pollute others with the minutia of my day to day. If you ask, I'll tell you, and sometimes, even if you don't, I'll tell you anyway. But rarely are there others around me who seem to want to hear my story. Mainly, I feel like those around me tolerate me, with the attitude of, "oh, he's a talker, so I'll just let him." I'm starting come to the realization that either I am extremely boring, or others around me are just too busy to take a minute and proactively ask how I am beyond the obligatory greeting. maybe its a combination of the two. Granted, There are those, as in any situation, who will interact just for the sake of interaction. Not to gain anything, really, but that wait for their turn to talk. Then there are others who will take your money in exchange for the privilege to talk. Those are the ones who keep me up at night. The detached majority who float through, but rarely gain. It causes retreat, and albeit unhealthy, it is a method for dealing with the world as it is. Now, I'm forced with situations that I feel like I should be sharing with people, to gain perspective, to acquire confidence, to have my back when things get iffy. I'm beginning to understand how precious it is to find a group of people who truly interact with one another. How rare it is to find a group who create memories on accident, and leave it to chance that things will work. I took for granted the fact that these people were around. I didn't express my appreciation enough. I should have, but I didn't.

To those who are still around not in vicinity but in content, I thank you. Your interactions make worthwhile the wading through all the bullshit, and I look forward to catching up with you soon. To those around me, I thank you. Your presence is appreciated even if I don't say it often enough. To those around me who I've let slip away, I hope that at some point forgiveness will be served, as I know no other way to handle life's stresses, I condense my interactions to a small few, in an effort to alleviate the passing of stress from one link of the chain to another. For those Ive left behind entirely, I hope your life is enriched beyond measure, and I'm sorry we didn't see eye to eye. For those who I don't yet know, I find peace in knowing that you're out there, and that our paths will someday cross. A moderately ramble-some message I know, but I miss my fucking friends.

I dont understand what all the fuss is about...

This guy wonders who we think we are as a country. The U.S. was founded on principals of genocide and the forcible seizure of assets and land. We seem to ignore this factual tidbit, and don't seem to be aware that the current trend of "bullying" is nothing but a continuation of a genetic predisposition of past aggressive behaviors. The United States has always had an "enemy" to unite and fight against since before it's official flag planting/claim/ and establishment. Guess what: It hasn't gotten any worse. It hasn't gotten any better. It's as it always has been. In regards to the increase of teens pushed around by bullies resulting in an increase of teen suicide: The only new development is the more we plug in, the less we can turn off the knowledge that these negative opinions exist. The more we allow our youth to stay indoors, isolated in a controlled and comfortable environment, the harder the landing they have when the real world presents itself after being pushed out of the nest. Here's a thought. Teach personal strength, self worth, dismissal and defense to youth so that they have the tools to brush off the negative comments and appropriate reactions when maliciousness presents itself. The bullies aren't going away. Not by a long shot

ugh.

I'm not one to initiate many conversations. I mean, I do...but only when the dense unpleasantness could could literally be cut by a knife if such action were not taken. I think the issue is that, the more I learn about the interactions I have with people the more uneasy with the whole situation I become. I admit, I live in a complete and utter fantasy world. It's because when I initially observe somebody, in that split second in time, I build a story of who they are and what they represent. On most occasions, this process is then handed over to my active imagination, and I continue to build a story of who that person really is. Not only do I judge a book by it's cover, but I write the whole fucking thing and file it in the autobiographical fiction section. (this would be the most populous shelf on my mental bookcase.) I usually stop there. I'm comfortable with the progression that has taken place. I'm sure that in more cases then not, it tends to be nothing but a loss of a potentially great relationship, but it's the filter that I use to stay in a safe place.

But...when the bindings of those stories are ripped apart by fact, and I choose to pursue the individual. To learn who they are, why they are here, listen to their beliefs and ideals, and truly get to know that person, I do wholeheartedly acknowledge it's a beautiful, and rare thing. I genuinely treasure those situations, and will hold them in my wallet until the very paper they are printed on becomes old and frail, and disintegrates along with with everything else.

It hurts though, When people leave this world behind. When a best friend's mental strengths fade away. When those who we love refuse to love us back and vanish seemingly overnight. When good friends move on to bigger and better things. When localities change. When attention shifts to more significant people. When situations no longer allow for the convenient conversation, and the barrier of vastly large untraversable distances comes crashing down into place. When the very foundation you've, over many years, constructed yourself upon, vanishes in the blink of an eye. How am I supposed to keep wanting to initiate conversations with the unfamiliar; to really know their stories; to invest enough to be able to recite their beliefs and ideals? All the while knowing that this is a trend, and not the exception. this shit is borderline hopeless.

A physics teacher once tried to preach that water is the universal solvent. I'm checking the "strongly disagree" box. It's time that dissolves all. Mental states, relationships, ionic bonds, opinions, thought processes, energy, everything. I wish i had a fast forward button so I could skip this current chapter. It's too long, and I'm tired of reading.

the depths of the deep dark beyond

The morning brought very little today. No rest, no conclusions, no second chances, no new ideas of how to handle things. It only brought an unexpected reminder. An alarm for an important day sounded that was placed by one who is no longer in my life. This is a circumstance of my own doing, this I know, and I accept. I didn't know any better, and in retrospect, it was handled with a lack of class and wisdom that I usually pride myself in. I had to get away from a situation, and in doing so, I blew the bridge behind me, as to ensure that there would be no chance of my return in the future.

These thoughts lead to others, and those to others, and so on, and so on. Ive come to a conclusion though, as dismal and dark as it may be: I am nothing. I mean nothing, and although I try to surround myself with others who are capable of partaking in genuine friendship, the resilience of mankind will overshadow anything that I could possibly bring to the table. There are many others like me. I am not a one in a million. I am not a catch, I am not a find. I consume more that I give. I forget more than I can remember. I manipulate more than adapt. I lie to affect outcome. and I do these things to maintain a sense of control in a world in which I have none. I am on the verge of losing an important person. I'm heartbroken without ability to repair. I contribute nothing but spur of the moment irrational decisions. I am unable to forgive.I really have very little to offer.

The one aforementioned part of this rant, and the only thing that provides me with comfort, is the fact that this society in which I am a part, is an organism that will consume me, and not shed light on the fact that my mind is in pieces. I can sink to the depths of the deep dark beyond, and not a soul will be affected by such a waste of time and flesh once time has inevitably completed its process. Somehow, that seems to put my mind at ease.

the devastation of 30 to 40%

Really, its a numbers game; almost played by the same lines as a lottery...A shitty lottery mind you, but a lottery nonetheless. Just like in any other game, there's a winner, and a loser. That's just how it is. Some are the lucky chosen, and the majority are the oblivious who live in the bliss of wishful thinking of ignorance. Pulling back to take a snapshot in time of the big picture, I cant help but find myself in a state of utter devastation despite the fact that I've accepted the rules of the game a long, long time ago. Really, everyone is gonna go. Nobody has ever basked in the shower of eternal light and lived to tell about it. It's all speculation, and a defense for the unknown territories that fall on the other side of those walls. One way or another, we lose everybody.

The glass half full people say the chances of making it out alive, in this case, are 30 to 40 percent. I'm not fooled by the convoluted and decietful ways of optimism. That's more chances to go wrong then right. But these numbers mean nothing in the "big picture" if its a prolonging of the inevitable. It's pain justified. Its bullshit. It's the diluting of the idea that we are born to die. Whatever happens in the middle is in the eyes of the beholder.

Selfishly, I cant help but be embarrassed. If this is, in fact, the jetway rolling back for departure: I will have no sense of accomplishment to bring home and pin up on the fridge. Here I am, 26, and a product of the justification of shitty choices. I'm sure everything has happened for a reason, but it's tonight that I feel the weight of the world on these sore shoulders. The sense of urgency to accomplish pre-aligned goals would just be poison into an already toxic situation, that would remove me from the reality of my life and take time away from those who I hold in the last pure place in which I know.

The tears flow when I imagine of the possibility that this incredible woman, who has continuously endured with a confident resolve, might not get to meet my wife. I think im starting to understand the "live every day as if it were your last" thing. Its not motivation to make good choices along the way, it's the guide to avoid the guilt of not living out your potential. That would be the perpetual static that keeps me awake tonight.

and for this we raise a glass for those who couldn't

There are so many things that I can look forward to given my situation. There were never any massive obstacles in my way, I never had to overcome overwhelming odds to speak of. I mean sure, there have been road blocks, detours, bumps in the road, and distractions along the way, as well as the occasional hitchhiker who caught my eye enough to investigate matters further. I'd say Ive had it pretty easy, and I am thankful for the universe assigning the position to me.

This trip has been a good one for the most part. I learned about worlds I had no clue existed. Mistaken for the justification of "ignorance is bliss" in most cases i guess. Ive learned to process information in a specific manner; reflect on it; recall it at later times for intriguing topics of conversation, and retain it as a morsel of what makes me, me. I find myself with my head under the sand more than not, simply retracting to my own world thinking of these things to keep myself occupied, and stay out of trouble. But trouble is in the eye of the beholders, and consequence is in the eyes of those who withhold.

However as time passes, and as I interact with others around me who share my interests, it is brought to my attention that my reclusive methods have done more harm than good in the realm of my social development. Painful social awkwardness is almost comfortable for me these days. By taking somebody out of the interaction method in which they are accustomed, I alone maintain positive control of the situation, and will retain the ability to blame nobody but myself when communication breakdown inevitably occurs.

"Don't stand in the doorway, Leslie. come in or stay out. Standing in the doorway makes you creepy."
and
"I have to admit, I wait to talk, although I'm trying to get better to listen."

Alone, these two statements personify my position I guess. I'm trying to step away. I'm trying to relinquish control. I'm trying to not depend on anyone or anything, but it's a scary mindset for me to know, without a doubt, justification, or excuse, that it falls on me and me alone when things don't go as planned. Im trying to attune my social awkwardness to be an advantage instead of a drawback, and I'm trying to do it without the use of an outside aid.

I fear this may effect many, not just myself. I must brace for, and accept loss.

Hopefully, I shall see you on the other side, where the tabs are paid in full, the class is sustained without compromise, and methods are not aided by outside means.

:long deep breath in; holds breath; pinches nose; and steps off: