and for this we raise a glass for those who couldn't

There are so many things that I can look forward to given my situation. There were never any massive obstacles in my way, I never had to overcome overwhelming odds to speak of. I mean sure, there have been road blocks, detours, bumps in the road, and distractions along the way, as well as the occasional hitchhiker who caught my eye enough to investigate matters further. I'd say Ive had it pretty easy, and I am thankful for the universe assigning the position to me.

This trip has been a good one for the most part. I learned about worlds I had no clue existed. Mistaken for the justification of "ignorance is bliss" in most cases i guess. Ive learned to process information in a specific manner; reflect on it; recall it at later times for intriguing topics of conversation, and retain it as a morsel of what makes me, me. I find myself with my head under the sand more than not, simply retracting to my own world thinking of these things to keep myself occupied, and stay out of trouble. But trouble is in the eye of the beholders, and consequence is in the eyes of those who withhold.

However as time passes, and as I interact with others around me who share my interests, it is brought to my attention that my reclusive methods have done more harm than good in the realm of my social development. Painful social awkwardness is almost comfortable for me these days. By taking somebody out of the interaction method in which they are accustomed, I alone maintain positive control of the situation, and will retain the ability to blame nobody but myself when communication breakdown inevitably occurs.

"Don't stand in the doorway, Leslie. come in or stay out. Standing in the doorway makes you creepy."
and
"I have to admit, I wait to talk, although I'm trying to get better to listen."

Alone, these two statements personify my position I guess. I'm trying to step away. I'm trying to relinquish control. I'm trying to not depend on anyone or anything, but it's a scary mindset for me to know, without a doubt, justification, or excuse, that it falls on me and me alone when things don't go as planned. Im trying to attune my social awkwardness to be an advantage instead of a drawback, and I'm trying to do it without the use of an outside aid.

I fear this may effect many, not just myself. I must brace for, and accept loss.

Hopefully, I shall see you on the other side, where the tabs are paid in full, the class is sustained without compromise, and methods are not aided by outside means.

:long deep breath in; holds breath; pinches nose; and steps off: