the devastation of 30 to 40%

Really, its a numbers game; almost played by the same lines as a lottery...A shitty lottery mind you, but a lottery nonetheless. Just like in any other game, there's a winner, and a loser. That's just how it is. Some are the lucky chosen, and the majority are the oblivious who live in the bliss of wishful thinking of ignorance. Pulling back to take a snapshot in time of the big picture, I cant help but find myself in a state of utter devastation despite the fact that I've accepted the rules of the game a long, long time ago. Really, everyone is gonna go. Nobody has ever basked in the shower of eternal light and lived to tell about it. It's all speculation, and a defense for the unknown territories that fall on the other side of those walls. One way or another, we lose everybody.

The glass half full people say the chances of making it out alive, in this case, are 30 to 40 percent. I'm not fooled by the convoluted and decietful ways of optimism. That's more chances to go wrong then right. But these numbers mean nothing in the "big picture" if its a prolonging of the inevitable. It's pain justified. Its bullshit. It's the diluting of the idea that we are born to die. Whatever happens in the middle is in the eyes of the beholder.

Selfishly, I cant help but be embarrassed. If this is, in fact, the jetway rolling back for departure: I will have no sense of accomplishment to bring home and pin up on the fridge. Here I am, 26, and a product of the justification of shitty choices. I'm sure everything has happened for a reason, but it's tonight that I feel the weight of the world on these sore shoulders. The sense of urgency to accomplish pre-aligned goals would just be poison into an already toxic situation, that would remove me from the reality of my life and take time away from those who I hold in the last pure place in which I know.

The tears flow when I imagine of the possibility that this incredible woman, who has continuously endured with a confident resolve, might not get to meet my wife. I think im starting to understand the "live every day as if it were your last" thing. Its not motivation to make good choices along the way, it's the guide to avoid the guilt of not living out your potential. That would be the perpetual static that keeps me awake tonight.