ugh.

I'm not one to initiate many conversations. I mean, I do...but only when the dense unpleasantness could could literally be cut by a knife if such action were not taken. I think the issue is that, the more I learn about the interactions I have with people the more uneasy with the whole situation I become. I admit, I live in a complete and utter fantasy world. It's because when I initially observe somebody, in that split second in time, I build a story of who they are and what they represent. On most occasions, this process is then handed over to my active imagination, and I continue to build a story of who that person really is. Not only do I judge a book by it's cover, but I write the whole fucking thing and file it in the autobiographical fiction section. (this would be the most populous shelf on my mental bookcase.) I usually stop there. I'm comfortable with the progression that has taken place. I'm sure that in more cases then not, it tends to be nothing but a loss of a potentially great relationship, but it's the filter that I use to stay in a safe place.

But...when the bindings of those stories are ripped apart by fact, and I choose to pursue the individual. To learn who they are, why they are here, listen to their beliefs and ideals, and truly get to know that person, I do wholeheartedly acknowledge it's a beautiful, and rare thing. I genuinely treasure those situations, and will hold them in my wallet until the very paper they are printed on becomes old and frail, and disintegrates along with with everything else.

It hurts though, When people leave this world behind. When a best friend's mental strengths fade away. When those who we love refuse to love us back and vanish seemingly overnight. When good friends move on to bigger and better things. When localities change. When attention shifts to more significant people. When situations no longer allow for the convenient conversation, and the barrier of vastly large untraversable distances comes crashing down into place. When the very foundation you've, over many years, constructed yourself upon, vanishes in the blink of an eye. How am I supposed to keep wanting to initiate conversations with the unfamiliar; to really know their stories; to invest enough to be able to recite their beliefs and ideals? All the while knowing that this is a trend, and not the exception. this shit is borderline hopeless.

A physics teacher once tried to preach that water is the universal solvent. I'm checking the "strongly disagree" box. It's time that dissolves all. Mental states, relationships, ionic bonds, opinions, thought processes, energy, everything. I wish i had a fast forward button so I could skip this current chapter. It's too long, and I'm tired of reading.