the devastation of 30 to 40%

Really, its a numbers game; almost played by the same lines as a lottery...A shitty lottery mind you, but a lottery nonetheless. Just like in any other game, there's a winner, and a loser. That's just how it is. Some are the lucky chosen, and the majority are the oblivious who live in the bliss of wishful thinking of ignorance. Pulling back to take a snapshot in time of the big picture, I cant help but find myself in a state of utter devastation despite the fact that I've accepted the rules of the game a long, long time ago. Really, everyone is gonna go. Nobody has ever basked in the shower of eternal light and lived to tell about it. It's all speculation, and a defense for the unknown territories that fall on the other side of those walls. One way or another, we lose everybody.

The glass half full people say the chances of making it out alive, in this case, are 30 to 40 percent. I'm not fooled by the convoluted and decietful ways of optimism. That's more chances to go wrong then right. But these numbers mean nothing in the "big picture" if its a prolonging of the inevitable. It's pain justified. Its bullshit. It's the diluting of the idea that we are born to die. Whatever happens in the middle is in the eyes of the beholder.

Selfishly, I cant help but be embarrassed. If this is, in fact, the jetway rolling back for departure: I will have no sense of accomplishment to bring home and pin up on the fridge. Here I am, 26, and a product of the justification of shitty choices. I'm sure everything has happened for a reason, but it's tonight that I feel the weight of the world on these sore shoulders. The sense of urgency to accomplish pre-aligned goals would just be poison into an already toxic situation, that would remove me from the reality of my life and take time away from those who I hold in the last pure place in which I know.

The tears flow when I imagine of the possibility that this incredible woman, who has continuously endured with a confident resolve, might not get to meet my wife. I think im starting to understand the "live every day as if it were your last" thing. Its not motivation to make good choices along the way, it's the guide to avoid the guilt of not living out your potential. That would be the perpetual static that keeps me awake tonight.

and for this we raise a glass for those who couldn't

There are so many things that I can look forward to given my situation. There were never any massive obstacles in my way, I never had to overcome overwhelming odds to speak of. I mean sure, there have been road blocks, detours, bumps in the road, and distractions along the way, as well as the occasional hitchhiker who caught my eye enough to investigate matters further. I'd say Ive had it pretty easy, and I am thankful for the universe assigning the position to me.

This trip has been a good one for the most part. I learned about worlds I had no clue existed. Mistaken for the justification of "ignorance is bliss" in most cases i guess. Ive learned to process information in a specific manner; reflect on it; recall it at later times for intriguing topics of conversation, and retain it as a morsel of what makes me, me. I find myself with my head under the sand more than not, simply retracting to my own world thinking of these things to keep myself occupied, and stay out of trouble. But trouble is in the eye of the beholders, and consequence is in the eyes of those who withhold.

However as time passes, and as I interact with others around me who share my interests, it is brought to my attention that my reclusive methods have done more harm than good in the realm of my social development. Painful social awkwardness is almost comfortable for me these days. By taking somebody out of the interaction method in which they are accustomed, I alone maintain positive control of the situation, and will retain the ability to blame nobody but myself when communication breakdown inevitably occurs.

"Don't stand in the doorway, Leslie. come in or stay out. Standing in the doorway makes you creepy."
and
"I have to admit, I wait to talk, although I'm trying to get better to listen."

Alone, these two statements personify my position I guess. I'm trying to step away. I'm trying to relinquish control. I'm trying to not depend on anyone or anything, but it's a scary mindset for me to know, without a doubt, justification, or excuse, that it falls on me and me alone when things don't go as planned. Im trying to attune my social awkwardness to be an advantage instead of a drawback, and I'm trying to do it without the use of an outside aid.

I fear this may effect many, not just myself. I must brace for, and accept loss.

Hopefully, I shall see you on the other side, where the tabs are paid in full, the class is sustained without compromise, and methods are not aided by outside means.

:long deep breath in; holds breath; pinches nose; and steps off: