i cant sleep...

Recently, Ive had trouble sleeping at night. It happens every year about this time, when the seasons change, or when the first snow fall commences. I have to assume that it takes place because I am somewhat of a nocturnal person. Early mornings can be missed without hesitation, and for some reason I find comfort in the night.

This year is different though. Ive not been able to enter a state of slumber because I have too much on my mind. Thoughts of my lack of accomplishment, friends and family well being. The adopted methods of business to make a quick buck by taking advantage of those who don't have a voice. finances, finances, finances. the wrongs in today's world. Its beginning to enter the realm of unsafe, and unhealthy and it has already begun to take its toll.

There's also this person that my mind defaults to while at idle, in a situation that I selfishly entered thinking that I was the voice of reason. Its becoming clear now that the voice of reason maintains the ability to sleep and rest its mind, and recharge its batteries to carry out the activities of the day in a constructive manner. My perspectives on this matter are changing with the depth of its complexity, and I realize now that I'm not the only party with something to loose. Part of me feels apologetic to be here as if Ive overstepped a boundary. The other part of me though, is glad I'm here, and wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I am a genuinely fortunate person to have stayed where i am for such an extended amount of time, even when it was clear that I was not welcome. these are the moments in which i live for. the moments that make life worth living, and the moments that reflect the good in the world, that allow me to sleep at night.

Im sorry Ive been so selfish in the matter, but am not at all sorry for the place we are at now. The ride is worth the toll, and i hope that soon, you will come to the same conclusions. I am willing to accept if that point is never reached, and have become comfortable the fact that I may be nothing more than a lesson to you. That fact alone took some growing, and six months ago would not have been in my arsenal.

Ill be here when you need me, and ill be trying to gather the strength to not be when you don't. As for now, its time to attempt sleep again fallowing the removed variable that makes insanity a constant in my ways.