I miss my fucking friends.

I find it hard to rationalize all of this really. It's a matter that keeps me up at night, and prevents me from waking up once Ive acquired enough slumber. It's silly to think that I've made almost no progress in a little over two months on the matter, when I usually can, in most situations, solve anything over a brief span of time. The big speed bumps are just those, speed bumps. They prevent you from cruising at a speed that will allow you to arrive to your destination in a timely manner. They exist solely to get in your way, to force one to think about how the present moment will be navigated. But this one, among others, is a big one for me. Mountainous. Massive. Yet it exists as a mundane drone in my mind. Just gnawing away at me when my mind goes idle. I miss my fucking friends.

I'm at a point where the world could potentially come crashing down around me. The blames are distributed equally between myself and the world around me. My mother is sick, and my schooling has not gone to plan. I question who I am, and if I have the motivation to continue on in a society with practices I so strongly disagree with. I wallow in sorrows, but it's who am. I live in the deep darkness, and thrive the calm of desolate late nights. I appreciate solitude when times get tough. I work shit out in my mind, and don't pollute others with the minutia of my day to day. If you ask, I'll tell you, and sometimes, even if you don't, I'll tell you anyway. But rarely are there others around me who seem to want to hear my story. Mainly, I feel like those around me tolerate me, with the attitude of, "oh, he's a talker, so I'll just let him." I'm starting come to the realization that either I am extremely boring, or others around me are just too busy to take a minute and proactively ask how I am beyond the obligatory greeting. maybe its a combination of the two. Granted, There are those, as in any situation, who will interact just for the sake of interaction. Not to gain anything, really, but that wait for their turn to talk. Then there are others who will take your money in exchange for the privilege to talk. Those are the ones who keep me up at night. The detached majority who float through, but rarely gain. It causes retreat, and albeit unhealthy, it is a method for dealing with the world as it is. Now, I'm forced with situations that I feel like I should be sharing with people, to gain perspective, to acquire confidence, to have my back when things get iffy. I'm beginning to understand how precious it is to find a group of people who truly interact with one another. How rare it is to find a group who create memories on accident, and leave it to chance that things will work. I took for granted the fact that these people were around. I didn't express my appreciation enough. I should have, but I didn't.

To those who are still around not in vicinity but in content, I thank you. Your interactions make worthwhile the wading through all the bullshit, and I look forward to catching up with you soon. To those around me, I thank you. Your presence is appreciated even if I don't say it often enough. To those around me who I've let slip away, I hope that at some point forgiveness will be served, as I know no other way to handle life's stresses, I condense my interactions to a small few, in an effort to alleviate the passing of stress from one link of the chain to another. For those Ive left behind entirely, I hope your life is enriched beyond measure, and I'm sorry we didn't see eye to eye. For those who I don't yet know, I find peace in knowing that you're out there, and that our paths will someday cross. A moderately ramble-some message I know, but I miss my fucking friends.

I dont understand what all the fuss is about...

This guy wonders who we think we are as a country. The U.S. was founded on principals of genocide and the forcible seizure of assets and land. We seem to ignore this factual tidbit, and don't seem to be aware that the current trend of "bullying" is nothing but a continuation of a genetic predisposition of past aggressive behaviors. The United States has always had an "enemy" to unite and fight against since before it's official flag planting/claim/ and establishment. Guess what: It hasn't gotten any worse. It hasn't gotten any better. It's as it always has been. In regards to the increase of teens pushed around by bullies resulting in an increase of teen suicide: The only new development is the more we plug in, the less we can turn off the knowledge that these negative opinions exist. The more we allow our youth to stay indoors, isolated in a controlled and comfortable environment, the harder the landing they have when the real world presents itself after being pushed out of the nest. Here's a thought. Teach personal strength, self worth, dismissal and defense to youth so that they have the tools to brush off the negative comments and appropriate reactions when maliciousness presents itself. The bullies aren't going away. Not by a long shot

ugh.

I'm not one to initiate many conversations. I mean, I do...but only when the dense unpleasantness could could literally be cut by a knife if such action were not taken. I think the issue is that, the more I learn about the interactions I have with people the more uneasy with the whole situation I become. I admit, I live in a complete and utter fantasy world. It's because when I initially observe somebody, in that split second in time, I build a story of who they are and what they represent. On most occasions, this process is then handed over to my active imagination, and I continue to build a story of who that person really is. Not only do I judge a book by it's cover, but I write the whole fucking thing and file it in the autobiographical fiction section. (this would be the most populous shelf on my mental bookcase.) I usually stop there. I'm comfortable with the progression that has taken place. I'm sure that in more cases then not, it tends to be nothing but a loss of a potentially great relationship, but it's the filter that I use to stay in a safe place.

But...when the bindings of those stories are ripped apart by fact, and I choose to pursue the individual. To learn who they are, why they are here, listen to their beliefs and ideals, and truly get to know that person, I do wholeheartedly acknowledge it's a beautiful, and rare thing. I genuinely treasure those situations, and will hold them in my wallet until the very paper they are printed on becomes old and frail, and disintegrates along with with everything else.

It hurts though, When people leave this world behind. When a best friend's mental strengths fade away. When those who we love refuse to love us back and vanish seemingly overnight. When good friends move on to bigger and better things. When localities change. When attention shifts to more significant people. When situations no longer allow for the convenient conversation, and the barrier of vastly large untraversable distances comes crashing down into place. When the very foundation you've, over many years, constructed yourself upon, vanishes in the blink of an eye. How am I supposed to keep wanting to initiate conversations with the unfamiliar; to really know their stories; to invest enough to be able to recite their beliefs and ideals? All the while knowing that this is a trend, and not the exception. this shit is borderline hopeless.

A physics teacher once tried to preach that water is the universal solvent. I'm checking the "strongly disagree" box. It's time that dissolves all. Mental states, relationships, ionic bonds, opinions, thought processes, energy, everything. I wish i had a fast forward button so I could skip this current chapter. It's too long, and I'm tired of reading.

the depths of the deep dark beyond

The morning brought very little today. No rest, no conclusions, no second chances, no new ideas of how to handle things. It only brought an unexpected reminder. An alarm for an important day sounded that was placed by one who is no longer in my life. This is a circumstance of my own doing, this I know, and I accept. I didn't know any better, and in retrospect, it was handled with a lack of class and wisdom that I usually pride myself in. I had to get away from a situation, and in doing so, I blew the bridge behind me, as to ensure that there would be no chance of my return in the future.

These thoughts lead to others, and those to others, and so on, and so on. Ive come to a conclusion though, as dismal and dark as it may be: I am nothing. I mean nothing, and although I try to surround myself with others who are capable of partaking in genuine friendship, the resilience of mankind will overshadow anything that I could possibly bring to the table. There are many others like me. I am not a one in a million. I am not a catch, I am not a find. I consume more that I give. I forget more than I can remember. I manipulate more than adapt. I lie to affect outcome. and I do these things to maintain a sense of control in a world in which I have none. I am on the verge of losing an important person. I'm heartbroken without ability to repair. I contribute nothing but spur of the moment irrational decisions. I am unable to forgive.I really have very little to offer.

The one aforementioned part of this rant, and the only thing that provides me with comfort, is the fact that this society in which I am a part, is an organism that will consume me, and not shed light on the fact that my mind is in pieces. I can sink to the depths of the deep dark beyond, and not a soul will be affected by such a waste of time and flesh once time has inevitably completed its process. Somehow, that seems to put my mind at ease.