...heard in conversation...

-"yeah. that was pretty much a date."

-"That was not a date!"

-"yes it was!!!"

-"How was that a date?"

-"uhm...we had dinner, and then we came home and had crazy birthday sex!"

-"Who's birthday was it?"

-"i have no idea, but i thank them for having it!!!"

it is of the writers opinion, which can most definitely be dismissed by most on grounds of a distorted sense of humor and the fact that what was said just wasn't funny, that this was some of my best work in the last week.

fuck me...eating caramels reminds me of her.

I might be screwed.

In the past week Ive sustained a moderately severe injury, and feel like my mind should be focused on the healing process. I'm surprised, though, because In the midst of the pain which has become more of an annoyance as opposed to an actually uncomfortable situation, I find my mind and taste buds conversing, and partaking in the remembrance of why I'm still attracted to her, even though she's in a land far, far away. I do things now, to keep her fresh in my thoughts. Revisiting a moment suspended in time with my vision that portrays a content feeling on both of our faces. Listening to sounds that have been carefully selected, that for one reason or another, give me a feeling as if she were close enough to feel her warmth. Using my sense of touch, as limited as it may be, to clean and refresh the ridges and bumps of a machine that will always hold a direct correlation to her. And now, without warning, being catapulted into the memory of lazy couch moments, ignited only by the sweet, sugary goodness that only a caramel can provide, there she she is.

I feel like my senses have been hijacked remotely. I didn't know that was even possible. I'm not complaining, I'm just, once again, (and starting to hope that this is to be a recurring theme) pleasantly surprised.

I'm awaiting your stories, and cant wait to hear your laughter while I'm granted the gift to lay eyes on your hauntingly beautiful smile once again, even if only for a short while.

she was perfect...

and she will be missed more than anyone will ever know.

see. here’s the thing…

I’ve been thinking a lot today. I’ve had a bunch on my mind, but I can’t seem to prioritize these thoughts because no matter how hard I try, she cuts in and ruins the process. It’s pathetic really. Even the distractions aren’t serving their purpose today. Television is just noise in my ears as my vision recalls the intricacies of her face. The immersion into conversation with good friends only leads back to the inevitable relation of my situation to theirs, which just returns to what I think I lack in my life, and the disappointment of this quickly evaporating fantasy. Working out has become the closest escape, only because the physical pain drowns out the mental process, but as soon as the pain subsides, there she is, with her head on the pillow, staring at me with that look of amusement that I’ve taken a mental snapshot of, whenever I close my eyes. Its torture, but I’ve done this to myself even though I knew better.

The thing that scares me the most is that I might have been wrong to put a mechanism in place that has served me so well in the past, which has seized up in my current situation. The choice to partake in feelings of lust and love knowing that it will at some point come to an end, just to appreciate them more when they do present themselves after an extended absence. In this situation, however, it’s not working. I see myself grasping for anything to hold my ground, and yet I can’t stop slipping into this void of loneliness. I grew up alone, developed my own techniques to help cope with the malicious solitude of being a single person in a world of pairs, and keep telling myself that I don’t need anybody. This situation is more than that to me though. It holds the highest highs, and lowest lows that I’ve felt in quite some time. It has more to do with our interactions as it does a solution to being single. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve experienced love before, but I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love like this as backwards as it seems. Realizing that there is a fine line between infatuation and falling in love, I’m having a hard time drawing a boundary. Infatuation to me has to do with admiration, whereas falling in love has much more to do with the undeniable reciprocated connection between two.

I’ve had a taste of what we have to offer each other though, and I can’t help but realize how well it blatantly complements both of us. That alone gives me hope in a situation of uncertainty.

I know that you don’t have the same feelings for me as I do for you, and somehow, for some reason, I still have to get this out there.

whoa, whoa, whoa...and whoa!!!

Im not a very experimental person. I like what I know and I know what I like, which could potentially lead to unknown issues of close mindedness, Im sure. I also realize that there are things I have yet to discover which has some quality which I enjoy, and would potentially become adopted in an effort to further develop my collective arsenal of preferred practices.

I became intimately familiar with one of those things today, and had no idea how to react to it. in the heat of the moment, a thought popped into my head, and although nonconventional (to me) I somehow gathered the audacity to ask. I was immediately boosted into a realm in which I knew existed, but never imagined I would visit. I have no idea what the shit made me comfortable enough to ask (compliment in disguise), but nonetheless, I asked, I received, and it was mind blowingly good. Its now in my arsenal.

After a moment of clarity, however, I immediately felt disgusted confused, and disappointed with myself about what took place. I cant tell you why that was my initial reaction, but it lead to a little self reflection to say the least. Maybe it is an issue of what is taboo in our culture. Could be an issue of mild violation. Honestly, I dont know, and I cant say I ever will. I did however come to a conclusion. This is now the second event that has taken place that has shaped my current mode of thought of what's good. The second issuance of technique that I find insanely pleasurable, that would have been lost if it weren't presented with my current situation, which in and of itself, is a road in which I've never been down. I've not considered myself previously to have lived a sheltered existence, but perhaps I have. There's a slight chance that the "I like what I know" mentality has been holding me back from taking my steps to true enlightenment. I might have to change the way I do things.

Thanks for that. :wink:
I hope to someday return the favor
Im off to dream of new and exciting things.

Godspeed to Her

In a situation like this, I have to keep telling myself that I braced for the inevitable. I have to tell myself that, although artificially prepared, there were two ways that things could have unfolded. One of these paths was a fantasy, complete with scenarios manifested by idealistic dreams of interaction between another human being and myself, so harmonious that the melding of two individuals would have been a thing of organic beauty, and a treasure admired by others around us. A path of giggles and laughs, feelings of love and lust, and the actual practice of much pondered best case scenarios that have been adopted and shaped by the forces of past experiences of life. A warm bed on a cold morning that is so picturesque and comfortable, leaving it would be an atrocity to ones desires. The benchmark of perfection produced by an idealistic situation.

Of course, there is always an equally opposing path. One that is filled with selfish reflection of wrongdoing. One that is filled with the frustration of hypothetically allowing myself, once again, to sit too close to the fire while I was in a tired eye, euphoric state, that posed the very real possibility of being briskly swept away into a much needed deeply sweet sleep, leading to the accidental burns of a careless man. One that demands a play by play recap of events, in an effort to recognize these signs in case the situation ever presents itself again. After all, the definition of insanity is to repeatedly attempt the same behavior while expecting a different result.

I regret nothing, as this is how I choose to live life. I put myself into positions that will allow me to feel the relief of mist on overheated, irritated skin. Once again, without the bitter...

I cant help but wonder though. When will it be my time for some sweet?

You shall be missed as the burns heal, but your smile will replay in my mind always, and your beauty, both inner and exterior, will never be forgotten.

Godspeed to Her

Uneasy

At the risk of coming off like an insecure blow fish, I'm not scared of too many things. Clowns frighten me in a completely unnatural, but semi comical manner, and I do have a weird habit of hiding when I hear the ominously loud purcussions of a garbage truck driving down my alley that passes by the window with a dirty doppler of an engine rumble. For the most part though, there are few things that truly instill fear into my soul. I am, however, fearful of potential outcomes that will change the way I live.

Selfishly, having chosen a profession with the risk of crash and potential dismemberment and paralysis, the thought has crossed my mind that if I were to suffer one of these debilitating blows, I seriously doubt I would have the drive to continue such a limited existence. Please note that this has drastically changed how I look at those who have sustained such a change and continue to live a fulfilled existence. I have many admiring moments of "that takes such courage" when observing these folks and I tip my proverbial hat to them. However if I were in the same situation, I just don't see how I could wake up every day, having at one point had the ability to move unconditionally, and keep my chin up to all of the world's ups and downs.

I cant help but wonder if this would occur in an emotional manner as well. Although I have put safeguards into place that limit the effect that another person has on my emotional well being, I have not had the opportunity to develop such a safeguard in case of an introverted, catastrophic event. If something that had been woven into the garment of who I am were to be, without warning or reason, torn out causing the aforementioned garment to unravel, I don't think I have anything else in my closet to wear. I'm forced with the realization that it might be time for me to go shopping.

I woke up with fear of drastic change his morning. Even though I was gifted an amazingly unexpected distraction, the idea of possible drastic change to my wardrobe is clear in my mind, manifesting physically in an uneasy stomach and a pain in my side. I hate that, and I'm fearful of it.

:as I expect the worst, I will receive the best: