i still cant sleep...

"I played connect the dots with your beauty marks
And I ended up with picture perfect sheet music
I read your musical notes with a composer's eyes
And heard our song for the first time
My spine is still tingling.

Mental images of your fine tune
is what I've been nodding my head to lately
Every now and then you can catch me humming
your nudity under my heavy breath
I heavily suggest you resurrect
your ancient neglected dust collector
If you distrust the distance in my seldom plucked heart strings
Sit stripped before your full length

Perform your reflection backwards
Maybe then you will understand the rhythm in my movement
Listen when the news is sent
Extend when the rules are bent
I'll be waiting to take your leave

Make me a victim of your two step
Make me an apprentice of your body parts
Teach me to dance to your beauty marks
I'm stepping on toes here and I don't care
It's hopeless, it's hopeless

It's hopelessness holding this openness to blow a kiss
So close your lips but don't get pissed
and throw a fist at this vocalist
I'm not emotionless, in fact I broke my wrist
when I wrote the list of all those I miss
This is my poker face, Mister Feel Nothing"

I heard these words many years ago, but only as of recent have I LISTENED to what Sage was saying. I find myself loosing sleep over the idea of yet another missed opportunity while I painfully repeat passages from the piece above for comfort. I find myself adjusting my preconceived ideas of perfection and question my methods of expression to those who I feel deserve it. I find myself debating the good and bad of the past nine months, and wonder how I could have played it differently while still taking in the experiences as I enjoyed the view. I find myself diving deeper into the pool of pessimism, which I have to say, is the hardest part. Its an exchange of childhood hopes for actuality, and its rough no matter how I cut it. Call it growth as I have, for its the only sense I can make of it. I look around every day and see that people, as a whole, are loosing at an alarming rate the class and respect for strangers that once made interactions with others so appealing. It's a hard thing to come to the conclusion that what I want might not exist anymore. I am, for lack of a better term, loosing my faith in humanity. Ive numbed my mind to block out the pain, stepping into the roll of "Mister Feel Nothing" and this would indeed be my poker face.

As a race, we are nothing more than a thin coating on this planet, and like a virus, we attempt to spread until there are no resources left to sustain life. At some point, our snowballing ways of life will catch up to us when earth wipes her surface clean and starts anew. Keeping this in mind, I know that my thoughts, lessons, and opinions are insignificant to the big picture, and will be forgotten in a period of time that will amount to a couple years after my passing at best. Its just a shame that all of these ideas, along with the lessons learned in it, and opinions expressed, really do mean nothing, And the mandatory time spent wallowing in sorrow for those lost is nothing but necessary wasted time.

Two equally important conclusions Ive drawn to invite actual sleep tonight:
I miss her. I miss the idea of her.

overwhelming guilt....

As human beings we are genetically predisposed to find a mate and reproduce. That would be a fundamental driving force of any organism, and insures the survival of a species. I'm having a hard time understanding why emotions are involved though. More often then not, they just seem to get people into trouble. Whether its one who oversteps their boundaries and lives a life controlled by greed, or one who allows themselves to be taken advantage of in an effort to gain approval from others around them; its just a painful way to go. Granted that without emotion, life at times would be not worth living. Maybe emotion is an evolutionary trait developed to keep the species going when times get tough and a mate is not easily found.

As a coping mechanism, I lost my footing and slipped into a hole in which I am far too familiar. One that holds no respect for it's occupant. Although in one hand it serves as Novocain for the soul, and allows hurt to be diluted and in some cases replaced by genuine amusement, it also has the potential to set people back in one of many ways. I was recently under the impression that current emotions were far too much for me to deal with sober, and required its darkness and solitude, but am now filled with overwhelming guilt for returning to a chapter that Ive completed some time ago. Its not accomplishing anything anymore. In the words of the late George Carlin, "In the beginning you start using it. But at some point, if you're not careful, it starts using you, and that's when things get messy."

I need new ways of dealing with things. Its becoming more and more clear that the old way of doing things isn't working out. It, without question, benefited me for so long and I appreciate the lessons I learned while i was encapsulated in the bubble of previous solutions, but as for the evolution of man, more specifically the evolution of self, Its time that I accept the fact that I don't possess solutions to all of the problems I encounter.

Officially, I announce to the world:
"I embrace change"

i cant sleep...

Recently, Ive had trouble sleeping at night. It happens every year about this time, when the seasons change, or when the first snow fall commences. I have to assume that it takes place because I am somewhat of a nocturnal person. Early mornings can be missed without hesitation, and for some reason I find comfort in the night.

This year is different though. Ive not been able to enter a state of slumber because I have too much on my mind. Thoughts of my lack of accomplishment, friends and family well being. The adopted methods of business to make a quick buck by taking advantage of those who don't have a voice. finances, finances, finances. the wrongs in today's world. Its beginning to enter the realm of unsafe, and unhealthy and it has already begun to take its toll.

There's also this person that my mind defaults to while at idle, in a situation that I selfishly entered thinking that I was the voice of reason. Its becoming clear now that the voice of reason maintains the ability to sleep and rest its mind, and recharge its batteries to carry out the activities of the day in a constructive manner. My perspectives on this matter are changing with the depth of its complexity, and I realize now that I'm not the only party with something to loose. Part of me feels apologetic to be here as if Ive overstepped a boundary. The other part of me though, is glad I'm here, and wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I am a genuinely fortunate person to have stayed where i am for such an extended amount of time, even when it was clear that I was not welcome. these are the moments in which i live for. the moments that make life worth living, and the moments that reflect the good in the world, that allow me to sleep at night.

Im sorry Ive been so selfish in the matter, but am not at all sorry for the place we are at now. The ride is worth the toll, and i hope that soon, you will come to the same conclusions. I am willing to accept if that point is never reached, and have become comfortable the fact that I may be nothing more than a lesson to you. That fact alone took some growing, and six months ago would not have been in my arsenal.

Ill be here when you need me, and ill be trying to gather the strength to not be when you don't. As for now, its time to attempt sleep again fallowing the removed variable that makes insanity a constant in my ways.

...heard in conversation...

-"yeah. that was pretty much a date."

-"That was not a date!"

-"yes it was!!!"

-"How was that a date?"

-"uhm...we had dinner, and then we came home and had crazy birthday sex!"

-"Who's birthday was it?"

-"i have no idea, but i thank them for having it!!!"

it is of the writers opinion, which can most definitely be dismissed by most on grounds of a distorted sense of humor and the fact that what was said just wasn't funny, that this was some of my best work in the last week.

fuck me...eating caramels reminds me of her.

I might be screwed.

In the past week Ive sustained a moderately severe injury, and feel like my mind should be focused on the healing process. I'm surprised, though, because In the midst of the pain which has become more of an annoyance as opposed to an actually uncomfortable situation, I find my mind and taste buds conversing, and partaking in the remembrance of why I'm still attracted to her, even though she's in a land far, far away. I do things now, to keep her fresh in my thoughts. Revisiting a moment suspended in time with my vision that portrays a content feeling on both of our faces. Listening to sounds that have been carefully selected, that for one reason or another, give me a feeling as if she were close enough to feel her warmth. Using my sense of touch, as limited as it may be, to clean and refresh the ridges and bumps of a machine that will always hold a direct correlation to her. And now, without warning, being catapulted into the memory of lazy couch moments, ignited only by the sweet, sugary goodness that only a caramel can provide, there she she is.

I feel like my senses have been hijacked remotely. I didn't know that was even possible. I'm not complaining, I'm just, once again, (and starting to hope that this is to be a recurring theme) pleasantly surprised.

I'm awaiting your stories, and cant wait to hear your laughter while I'm granted the gift to lay eyes on your hauntingly beautiful smile once again, even if only for a short while.

she was perfect...

and she will be missed more than anyone will ever know.

see. here’s the thing…

I’ve been thinking a lot today. I’ve had a bunch on my mind, but I can’t seem to prioritize these thoughts because no matter how hard I try, she cuts in and ruins the process. It’s pathetic really. Even the distractions aren’t serving their purpose today. Television is just noise in my ears as my vision recalls the intricacies of her face. The immersion into conversation with good friends only leads back to the inevitable relation of my situation to theirs, which just returns to what I think I lack in my life, and the disappointment of this quickly evaporating fantasy. Working out has become the closest escape, only because the physical pain drowns out the mental process, but as soon as the pain subsides, there she is, with her head on the pillow, staring at me with that look of amusement that I’ve taken a mental snapshot of, whenever I close my eyes. Its torture, but I’ve done this to myself even though I knew better.

The thing that scares me the most is that I might have been wrong to put a mechanism in place that has served me so well in the past, which has seized up in my current situation. The choice to partake in feelings of lust and love knowing that it will at some point come to an end, just to appreciate them more when they do present themselves after an extended absence. In this situation, however, it’s not working. I see myself grasping for anything to hold my ground, and yet I can’t stop slipping into this void of loneliness. I grew up alone, developed my own techniques to help cope with the malicious solitude of being a single person in a world of pairs, and keep telling myself that I don’t need anybody. This situation is more than that to me though. It holds the highest highs, and lowest lows that I’ve felt in quite some time. It has more to do with our interactions as it does a solution to being single. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve experienced love before, but I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love like this as backwards as it seems. Realizing that there is a fine line between infatuation and falling in love, I’m having a hard time drawing a boundary. Infatuation to me has to do with admiration, whereas falling in love has much more to do with the undeniable reciprocated connection between two.

I’ve had a taste of what we have to offer each other though, and I can’t help but realize how well it blatantly complements both of us. That alone gives me hope in a situation of uncertainty.

I know that you don’t have the same feelings for me as I do for you, and somehow, for some reason, I still have to get this out there.