feel this

Feel this.

Explore this.

Delve into the depths that is this sorrow and find your own space within it.

Become comfortable with the sentiments that have presented themselves.

After all, the sole purpose of these emotions is to bring to light that we are not only capable of feeling them, but that we’re capable of creating them from gentle pulses of electricity in the first place.

Embrace the power of emotional manifestation. Appreciate it. Experience it. 

Take solace in the fact that they will cease eventually,

But for now it is your duty to acknowledge the unfamiliar territory, and leave no shaded stone unturned within the shadowy story that is this rough patch.

Your personal evolvement depends upon it.

Saunter away tall;

Don’t run

Cringe when your back is turned and brace for impact.

When nothing hits, you’ll be gifted the realization that you alone kept your course.

Strengths will be tested.

Weaknesses will decloak.

Habits will be taken for granted.

Patterns will form.

Communication will cease.

You will walk alone.

You will walk amongst others too, but for now

Saunter away tall whilst this sorrow lingers.

It will indeed be gone sooner than we know

Explore this.

Feel this.

I miss my fucking friends.

I find it hard to rationalize all of this really. It's a matter that keeps me up at night, and prevents me from waking up once Ive acquired enough slumber. It's silly to think that I've made almost no progress in a little over two months on the matter, when I usually can, in most situations, solve anything over a brief span of time. The big speed bumps are just those, speed bumps. They prevent you from cruising at a speed that will allow you to arrive to your destination in a timely manner. They exist solely to get in your way, to force one to think about how the present moment will be navigated. But this one, among others, is a big one for me. Mountainous. Massive. Yet it exists as a mundane drone in my mind. Just gnawing away at me when my mind goes idle. I miss my fucking friends.

I'm at a point where the world could potentially come crashing down around me. The blames are distributed equally between myself and the world around me. My mother is sick, and my schooling has not gone to plan. I question who I am, and if I have the motivation to continue on in a society with practices I so strongly disagree with. I wallow in sorrows, but it's who am. I live in the deep darkness, and thrive the calm of desolate late nights. I appreciate solitude when times get tough. I work shit out in my mind, and don't pollute others with the minutia of my day to day. If you ask, I'll tell you, and sometimes, even if you don't, I'll tell you anyway. But rarely are there others around me who seem to want to hear my story. Mainly, I feel like those around me tolerate me, with the attitude of, "oh, he's a talker, so I'll just let him." I'm starting come to the realization that either I am extremely boring, or others around me are just too busy to take a minute and proactively ask how I am beyond the obligatory greeting. maybe its a combination of the two. Granted, There are those, as in any situation, who will interact just for the sake of interaction. Not to gain anything, really, but that wait for their turn to talk. Then there are others who will take your money in exchange for the privilege to talk. Those are the ones who keep me up at night. The detached majority who float through, but rarely gain. It causes retreat, and albeit unhealthy, it is a method for dealing with the world as it is. Now, I'm forced with situations that I feel like I should be sharing with people, to gain perspective, to acquire confidence, to have my back when things get iffy. I'm beginning to understand how precious it is to find a group of people who truly interact with one another. How rare it is to find a group who create memories on accident, and leave it to chance that things will work. I took for granted the fact that these people were around. I didn't express my appreciation enough. I should have, but I didn't.

To those who are still around not in vicinity but in content, I thank you. Your interactions make worthwhile the wading through all the bullshit, and I look forward to catching up with you soon. To those around me, I thank you. Your presence is appreciated even if I don't say it often enough. To those around me who I've let slip away, I hope that at some point forgiveness will be served, as I know no other way to handle life's stresses, I condense my interactions to a small few, in an effort to alleviate the passing of stress from one link of the chain to another. For those Ive left behind entirely, I hope your life is enriched beyond measure, and I'm sorry we didn't see eye to eye. For those who I don't yet know, I find peace in knowing that you're out there, and that our paths will someday cross. A moderately ramble-some message I know, but I miss my fucking friends.

I dont understand what all the fuss is about...

This guy wonders who we think we are as a country. The U.S. was founded on principals of genocide and the forcible seizure of assets and land. We seem to ignore this factual tidbit, and don't seem to be aware that the current trend of "bullying" is nothing but a continuation of a genetic predisposition of past aggressive behaviors. The United States has always had an "enemy" to unite and fight against since before it's official flag planting/claim/ and establishment. Guess what: It hasn't gotten any worse. It hasn't gotten any better. It's as it always has been. In regards to the increase of teens pushed around by bullies resulting in an increase of teen suicide: The only new development is the more we plug in, the less we can turn off the knowledge that these negative opinions exist. The more we allow our youth to stay indoors, isolated in a controlled and comfortable environment, the harder the landing they have when the real world presents itself after being pushed out of the nest. Here's a thought. Teach personal strength, self worth, dismissal and defense to youth so that they have the tools to brush off the negative comments and appropriate reactions when maliciousness presents itself. The bullies aren't going away. Not by a long shot

ugh.

I'm not one to initiate many conversations. I mean, I do...but only when the dense unpleasantness could could literally be cut by a knife if such action were not taken. I think the issue is that, the more I learn about the interactions I have with people the more uneasy with the whole situation I become. I admit, I live in a complete and utter fantasy world. It's because when I initially observe somebody, in that split second in time, I build a story of who they are and what they represent. On most occasions, this process is then handed over to my active imagination, and I continue to build a story of who that person really is. Not only do I judge a book by it's cover, but I write the whole fucking thing and file it in the autobiographical fiction section. (this would be the most populous shelf on my mental bookcase.) I usually stop there. I'm comfortable with the progression that has taken place. I'm sure that in more cases then not, it tends to be nothing but a loss of a potentially great relationship, but it's the filter that I use to stay in a safe place.

But...when the bindings of those stories are ripped apart by fact, and I choose to pursue the individual. To learn who they are, why they are here, listen to their beliefs and ideals, and truly get to know that person, I do wholeheartedly acknowledge it's a beautiful, and rare thing. I genuinely treasure those situations, and will hold them in my wallet until the very paper they are printed on becomes old and frail, and disintegrates along with with everything else.

It hurts though, When people leave this world behind. When a best friend's mental strengths fade away. When those who we love refuse to love us back and vanish seemingly overnight. When good friends move on to bigger and better things. When localities change. When attention shifts to more significant people. When situations no longer allow for the convenient conversation, and the barrier of vastly large untraversable distances comes crashing down into place. When the very foundation you've, over many years, constructed yourself upon, vanishes in the blink of an eye. How am I supposed to keep wanting to initiate conversations with the unfamiliar; to really know their stories; to invest enough to be able to recite their beliefs and ideals? All the while knowing that this is a trend, and not the exception. this shit is borderline hopeless.

A physics teacher once tried to preach that water is the universal solvent. I'm checking the "strongly disagree" box. It's time that dissolves all. Mental states, relationships, ionic bonds, opinions, thought processes, energy, everything. I wish i had a fast forward button so I could skip this current chapter. It's too long, and I'm tired of reading.

the depths of the deep dark beyond

The morning brought very little today. No rest, no conclusions, no second chances, no new ideas of how to handle things. It only brought an unexpected reminder. An alarm for an important day sounded that was placed by one who is no longer in my life. This is a circumstance of my own doing, this I know, and I accept. I didn't know any better, and in retrospect, it was handled with a lack of class and wisdom that I usually pride myself in. I had to get away from a situation, and in doing so, I blew the bridge behind me, as to ensure that there would be no chance of my return in the future.

These thoughts lead to others, and those to others, and so on, and so on. Ive come to a conclusion though, as dismal and dark as it may be: I am nothing. I mean nothing, and although I try to surround myself with others who are capable of partaking in genuine friendship, the resilience of mankind will overshadow anything that I could possibly bring to the table. There are many others like me. I am not a one in a million. I am not a catch, I am not a find. I consume more that I give. I forget more than I can remember. I manipulate more than adapt. I lie to affect outcome. and I do these things to maintain a sense of control in a world in which I have none. I am on the verge of losing an important person. I'm heartbroken without ability to repair. I contribute nothing but spur of the moment irrational decisions. I am unable to forgive.I really have very little to offer.

The one aforementioned part of this rant, and the only thing that provides me with comfort, is the fact that this society in which I am a part, is an organism that will consume me, and not shed light on the fact that my mind is in pieces. I can sink to the depths of the deep dark beyond, and not a soul will be affected by such a waste of time and flesh once time has inevitably completed its process. Somehow, that seems to put my mind at ease.

the devastation of 30 to 40%

Really, its a numbers game; almost played by the same lines as a lottery...A shitty lottery mind you, but a lottery nonetheless. Just like in any other game, there's a winner, and a loser. That's just how it is. Some are the lucky chosen, and the majority are the oblivious who live in the bliss of wishful thinking of ignorance. Pulling back to take a snapshot in time of the big picture, I cant help but find myself in a state of utter devastation despite the fact that I've accepted the rules of the game a long, long time ago. Really, everyone is gonna go. Nobody has ever basked in the shower of eternal light and lived to tell about it. It's all speculation, and a defense for the unknown territories that fall on the other side of those walls. One way or another, we lose everybody.

The glass half full people say the chances of making it out alive, in this case, are 30 to 40 percent. I'm not fooled by the convoluted and decietful ways of optimism. That's more chances to go wrong then right. But these numbers mean nothing in the "big picture" if its a prolonging of the inevitable. It's pain justified. Its bullshit. It's the diluting of the idea that we are born to die. Whatever happens in the middle is in the eyes of the beholder.

Selfishly, I cant help but be embarrassed. If this is, in fact, the jetway rolling back for departure: I will have no sense of accomplishment to bring home and pin up on the fridge. Here I am, 26, and a product of the justification of shitty choices. I'm sure everything has happened for a reason, but it's tonight that I feel the weight of the world on these sore shoulders. The sense of urgency to accomplish pre-aligned goals would just be poison into an already toxic situation, that would remove me from the reality of my life and take time away from those who I hold in the last pure place in which I know.

The tears flow when I imagine of the possibility that this incredible woman, who has continuously endured with a confident resolve, might not get to meet my wife. I think im starting to understand the "live every day as if it were your last" thing. Its not motivation to make good choices along the way, it's the guide to avoid the guilt of not living out your potential. That would be the perpetual static that keeps me awake tonight.

and for this we raise a glass for those who couldn't

There are so many things that I can look forward to given my situation. There were never any massive obstacles in my way, I never had to overcome overwhelming odds to speak of. I mean sure, there have been road blocks, detours, bumps in the road, and distractions along the way, as well as the occasional hitchhiker who caught my eye enough to investigate matters further. I'd say Ive had it pretty easy, and I am thankful for the universe assigning the position to me.

This trip has been a good one for the most part. I learned about worlds I had no clue existed. Mistaken for the justification of "ignorance is bliss" in most cases i guess. Ive learned to process information in a specific manner; reflect on it; recall it at later times for intriguing topics of conversation, and retain it as a morsel of what makes me, me. I find myself with my head under the sand more than not, simply retracting to my own world thinking of these things to keep myself occupied, and stay out of trouble. But trouble is in the eye of the beholders, and consequence is in the eyes of those who withhold.

However as time passes, and as I interact with others around me who share my interests, it is brought to my attention that my reclusive methods have done more harm than good in the realm of my social development. Painful social awkwardness is almost comfortable for me these days. By taking somebody out of the interaction method in which they are accustomed, I alone maintain positive control of the situation, and will retain the ability to blame nobody but myself when communication breakdown inevitably occurs.

"Don't stand in the doorway, Leslie. come in or stay out. Standing in the doorway makes you creepy."
and
"I have to admit, I wait to talk, although I'm trying to get better to listen."

Alone, these two statements personify my position I guess. I'm trying to step away. I'm trying to relinquish control. I'm trying to not depend on anyone or anything, but it's a scary mindset for me to know, without a doubt, justification, or excuse, that it falls on me and me alone when things don't go as planned. Im trying to attune my social awkwardness to be an advantage instead of a drawback, and I'm trying to do it without the use of an outside aid.

I fear this may effect many, not just myself. I must brace for, and accept loss.

Hopefully, I shall see you on the other side, where the tabs are paid in full, the class is sustained without compromise, and methods are not aided by outside means.

:long deep breath in; holds breath; pinches nose; and steps off:

my email needs more cleaning

For the most part, I'm over it. Enough time has passed that I realize it wasn't a good situation. But there are times where I wake up out of a dead sleep and remember how well she fit into my arms. How her body, uniquely cool to the touch, notched in; while the window behind me provided enough airflow for the invitation of sleep to take place. How physically, it just worked. mentally at times too, but I was constantly reminded to not get comfortable in that emotional place.

Its cool mornings like today that I miss the idea of her most. When I was there previously, I made a mental note of how comfortable things were. Comfortable temperature, comfortable caresses, comfortably predicted early morning smiles, followed by the observation of morning rituals. I miss the idea of having the opportunity, almost daily, to interpret with my own eyes such a beautiful creature. I miss that time frame.

I'm told that there are people who appear in your life that, for whatever reason, we just never get over. That no matter how hard the attempt is made, for whatever reason, they just don't leave your mind. In the past I've had absolutely no issue wiping clean the memory of somebody I trusted enough to have shared intimate moments with. This one though...This one is rough, and it scares me as to not know why.

dear world: thanks for last night

The customized method that we all develop to help deal with loss is a right of passage as a human being. Some people shut down, some seek help from others, some ignore, some rationalize. regardless of how, there is always a method established via trial and error that hopefully serves its purpose.

Then, there's my may. For the most part, I accept my reality, but do so with a keen knowledge of what makes for a uncontrolled downward spiral. I ride that line far too often it seems; but i do so in an effort to not take shit for granted. Some people seek a surge of adrenaline in an effort to reassure themselves that they are in fact alive. I think, to an extent, I do the same thing with my emotions. Rarely do I invest fully, for good reason.

It was on a refreshing summer evening's bike ride that it hit me. My new two-wheeled transport came without lights, and once the summer sun had set, the streets became a river filled with unknown obstacles and hazards. Distant lights illuminated innocuous bumps and divots, but I perceived them to be course altering obstructions. Street lamps only lit up the path a third of the time, forcing me to make the decision. So there I was. In a comfortable, semi-unknown environment, with people whose friendship I cherish, trusting that everything would work out as my reimbursement for the decent karma I have projected over the last few months. Riding on a summer night like I had done many times before in my youth, trusting for the first time in what would be the greater part of 17 years, that as long as I soldier on, everything would be alright. graciously, I acknowledged and accepted this moment of peaceful zen.

Then a bug flew straight into my eye.

With a bloodshot eye this morning I wonder: do I accept last night's moment as a gift? or was it a slap in the face from reality, letting me know that my acceptance for the worlds actions was nothing more than a hoax, and a way to deal with loss. There's no denying I am in a transitional period, of which the main objective is to find a new way to deal with things. But how far do I look into things? Have my losses caused me to read too far into a summer nights bike ride? I hope not. Because last night, although insignificant to most, was significantly special to me.

bumps in the road

These days motivation is hard to come by. I'm starting to find it boundlessly comical how much of my life is based on motivation or the lack thereof. After hours of chasing sleep, I sometimes find comfort in the thought that tomorrow is in fact a new day, and the refreshing limitless potential allows me to find enough of a recharge to maintain sanity in a dark, serene, lonely place. Then, often without warning, through the trickery of a dreamless lapse in time, the morning arrives.

There are exceptions. There are nights that the weight of my past choices don't haunt me. There are nights I find at peace enough with myself that I can allow exhaustion to run its course. Somehow, when this rare occurrence chooses to manifest, I'm allowed to take a breath and relax to an extent that I felt often when I was a child after an active summer day. I'm a fool for taking such an immense feeling for granted for so long.

However, more often then not, I just lay there, waiting for the morning sun to arrive with its false hopes which have been imagined over the past five hours. Still air reminds me that I'm in the same place I was yesterday, and the smart money predicts that Ill be standing in those same footprints tomorrow. Forcefully and clumsily, I relocate as the aches and stiffness remind me of how time shows absolutely no remorse. I initiate the morning routine of avoiding the mirror as I step into the shower to scrub away the accumulated grime of the last 24 hours, highly ashamed of what I've allowed my body to become over the last eight years. I look around and focus on the corners where dust and dirt have accumulated, only to dismiss it for a project to be attended to at a time to be determined. I put on the the worn clothes that Ive gathered over the years that have showed some sense of persona which at one point I was comfortable. I sit down in the chair ready to check all of the non direct passive communications that I fear this world now deems as a socially acceptable means of interaction. I search for signs of life.

I then focus on the icon that ignites these passages. Its a project which Ive been working on for quite some time now, much longer than it should've taken. I sit, and remember where this has taken me thus far. I recall the feelings of freedom and purpose. I imagine all of the material positions that this will allow me. But for some unbeknown reason to the writer, I just cant find the motivation to continue its development at a pace that I would call "productive". I know that Ive become well versed regards to this subject and for this, i am proud. I know its where i want to be. "I know its where i will be"

The guilt of my time line. The guilt of my product of change. The guilt of things I have and have not done. Its almost overwhelming. If only I could have better prepared myself for all of these bumps. My resilience is close to depleted.

Until motivation finds me though, I have plenty of distractions. Let's hope that the ability to discard those which provide a negative tone remains.

a brief moment of courage and clarity...

The chances of waking up tomorrow in a feeling of recovery and regret are high, but a drunk mind does have a tendency to speak sober thought. Thoughts that, although repressed on a normal occasion, need to be set free and run their course. With friends around to announce a third party perspective, it is with much regret that I surrender to the realization that Ive been taken for a ride. For whatever reason, whether it be to obtain a level of comfort or immediate gratification, Ive put myself into a position to be taken advantage of. If not now...when do I state that enough is enough.

Ive obtained the tools to be stronger than this. Ive experienced and processed the highs and lows of my current that lead me to the realization that I'm nothing more than a convenient solution. One that allows another to shape and mold my way of being to compliment their own chaotic ways in an effort to provide some sort of stability in a "less than ideal" result.

In the grand scheme of things, Ive not allowed enough time for wounds to heal, but as for the right here, right now mentality; that which applies to me on a day to day basis; the reasoning that applies to a protective sense of self; this is the point at which I'd be running low on the fuel to function on a constructive level. I have, in the past, put myself into a position of self destruction in an effort to rebuild a newer, better me; and i question the positivity of that practice.

I now am not only satisfied with the proverbial empire I've established, but i take pride in it's maintenance.

Take some time. Think about what you need out of life. If, when you awake in the morning and have your first thought of uninfluenced clarity, you allow me to be a part of it, I will be forever grateful for the opportunity partake in such an extravagant existence. However, if there is no vacancy for someone who is seeking such an intimate position in your life, I need to be informed. The scale of the time line can never change, as it is the one variable that will, no matter how valiant the attempt, remain as constant as the dawning sun.

Yesterday's understandable result, although preservative to one, is harmful to another, and is refused to be sustained without consequence. Tell me if this is a falsely manifested conclusion. Tell me if you think otherwise. As for now, I have no choice but to abide by the conclusions which have presented themselves with the limited information that has been volunteered.

This is by no means a goodbye, but rather a plea for communication, as painful as it may be.

Dismissed and forgotten

I shouldn't be surprised really. Its how this works. One day you wake up to the realization that what you had just isn't good for you anymore, and drastic action is to take place. I just remember how shook up, nauseated, hurt, and devastated she was the day she found out that she was no longer a focus of his, even after half a year had passed. She asked me to help her out by no more than becoming a presence she could sit next to for comfort while she sorted through her feelings. Foolishly, I stayed, and distracted from the situation while conversing with someone who I felt was in legitimate remorse for her actions, and devastated by the loss of a pillar of her former existence. I tried to be a good friend. I suggested that she feel the emotions, live with them, map out the feelings of sorrow, as without it happiness looses its sharp edge. I had hoped that she would've heard me, and put herself into a situation of treading lightly as to not effect my feelings in a selfish, malicious manner. Process what her actions might mean to somebody, as she was given the chance to experience them fist hand. Ive carried around this guilt for my participation in the closing of her book, and no matter how valiant my efforts to suppress them, It just boomerangs back to me. I guess this desolateness would be the manifestation of karma for playing the role that I have.

Now I, alone with my thoughts, have received news that I am no longer in her focus, which was the predicted outcome, and still its a stab and twist to my soul. To know that I was nothing more than a convenient solution to boredom. Used for comfort, and then wadded up and thrown away. Further to know that no time was taken to relish in my gifts before starting anew. Ive been pushed aside for a jerk. Dismissed and forgotten. Replaced. Returned to a place Ive been shelved to many times before. I'm having a hard time understanding why this one stings as much as is does. Until I do, I shall take my own advice, and wallow in the sorrow in the realization that I'll never take her to the airport again.

i still cant sleep...

"I played connect the dots with your beauty marks
And I ended up with picture perfect sheet music
I read your musical notes with a composer's eyes
And heard our song for the first time
My spine is still tingling.

Mental images of your fine tune
is what I've been nodding my head to lately
Every now and then you can catch me humming
your nudity under my heavy breath
I heavily suggest you resurrect
your ancient neglected dust collector
If you distrust the distance in my seldom plucked heart strings
Sit stripped before your full length

Perform your reflection backwards
Maybe then you will understand the rhythm in my movement
Listen when the news is sent
Extend when the rules are bent
I'll be waiting to take your leave

Make me a victim of your two step
Make me an apprentice of your body parts
Teach me to dance to your beauty marks
I'm stepping on toes here and I don't care
It's hopeless, it's hopeless

It's hopelessness holding this openness to blow a kiss
So close your lips but don't get pissed
and throw a fist at this vocalist
I'm not emotionless, in fact I broke my wrist
when I wrote the list of all those I miss
This is my poker face, Mister Feel Nothing"

I heard these words many years ago, but only as of recent have I LISTENED to what Sage was saying. I find myself loosing sleep over the idea of yet another missed opportunity while I painfully repeat passages from the piece above for comfort. I find myself adjusting my preconceived ideas of perfection and question my methods of expression to those who I feel deserve it. I find myself debating the good and bad of the past nine months, and wonder how I could have played it differently while still taking in the experiences as I enjoyed the view. I find myself diving deeper into the pool of pessimism, which I have to say, is the hardest part. Its an exchange of childhood hopes for actuality, and its rough no matter how I cut it. Call it growth as I have, for its the only sense I can make of it. I look around every day and see that people, as a whole, are loosing at an alarming rate the class and respect for strangers that once made interactions with others so appealing. It's a hard thing to come to the conclusion that what I want might not exist anymore. I am, for lack of a better term, loosing my faith in humanity. Ive numbed my mind to block out the pain, stepping into the roll of "Mister Feel Nothing" and this would indeed be my poker face.

As a race, we are nothing more than a thin coating on this planet, and like a virus, we attempt to spread until there are no resources left to sustain life. At some point, our snowballing ways of life will catch up to us when earth wipes her surface clean and starts anew. Keeping this in mind, I know that my thoughts, lessons, and opinions are insignificant to the big picture, and will be forgotten in a period of time that will amount to a couple years after my passing at best. Its just a shame that all of these ideas, along with the lessons learned in it, and opinions expressed, really do mean nothing, And the mandatory time spent wallowing in sorrow for those lost is nothing but necessary wasted time.

Two equally important conclusions Ive drawn to invite actual sleep tonight:
I miss her. I miss the idea of her.

overwhelming guilt....

As human beings we are genetically predisposed to find a mate and reproduce. That would be a fundamental driving force of any organism, and insures the survival of a species. I'm having a hard time understanding why emotions are involved though. More often then not, they just seem to get people into trouble. Whether its one who oversteps their boundaries and lives a life controlled by greed, or one who allows themselves to be taken advantage of in an effort to gain approval from others around them; its just a painful way to go. Granted that without emotion, life at times would be not worth living. Maybe emotion is an evolutionary trait developed to keep the species going when times get tough and a mate is not easily found.

As a coping mechanism, I lost my footing and slipped into a hole in which I am far too familiar. One that holds no respect for it's occupant. Although in one hand it serves as Novocain for the soul, and allows hurt to be diluted and in some cases replaced by genuine amusement, it also has the potential to set people back in one of many ways. I was recently under the impression that current emotions were far too much for me to deal with sober, and required its darkness and solitude, but am now filled with overwhelming guilt for returning to a chapter that Ive completed some time ago. Its not accomplishing anything anymore. In the words of the late George Carlin, "In the beginning you start using it. But at some point, if you're not careful, it starts using you, and that's when things get messy."

I need new ways of dealing with things. Its becoming more and more clear that the old way of doing things isn't working out. It, without question, benefited me for so long and I appreciate the lessons I learned while i was encapsulated in the bubble of previous solutions, but as for the evolution of man, more specifically the evolution of self, Its time that I accept the fact that I don't possess solutions to all of the problems I encounter.

Officially, I announce to the world:
"I embrace change"

i cant sleep...

Recently, Ive had trouble sleeping at night. It happens every year about this time, when the seasons change, or when the first snow fall commences. I have to assume that it takes place because I am somewhat of a nocturnal person. Early mornings can be missed without hesitation, and for some reason I find comfort in the night.

This year is different though. Ive not been able to enter a state of slumber because I have too much on my mind. Thoughts of my lack of accomplishment, friends and family well being. The adopted methods of business to make a quick buck by taking advantage of those who don't have a voice. finances, finances, finances. the wrongs in today's world. Its beginning to enter the realm of unsafe, and unhealthy and it has already begun to take its toll.

There's also this person that my mind defaults to while at idle, in a situation that I selfishly entered thinking that I was the voice of reason. Its becoming clear now that the voice of reason maintains the ability to sleep and rest its mind, and recharge its batteries to carry out the activities of the day in a constructive manner. My perspectives on this matter are changing with the depth of its complexity, and I realize now that I'm not the only party with something to loose. Part of me feels apologetic to be here as if Ive overstepped a boundary. The other part of me though, is glad I'm here, and wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I am a genuinely fortunate person to have stayed where i am for such an extended amount of time, even when it was clear that I was not welcome. these are the moments in which i live for. the moments that make life worth living, and the moments that reflect the good in the world, that allow me to sleep at night.

Im sorry Ive been so selfish in the matter, but am not at all sorry for the place we are at now. The ride is worth the toll, and i hope that soon, you will come to the same conclusions. I am willing to accept if that point is never reached, and have become comfortable the fact that I may be nothing more than a lesson to you. That fact alone took some growing, and six months ago would not have been in my arsenal.

Ill be here when you need me, and ill be trying to gather the strength to not be when you don't. As for now, its time to attempt sleep again fallowing the removed variable that makes insanity a constant in my ways.

...heard in conversation...

-"yeah. that was pretty much a date."

-"That was not a date!"

-"yes it was!!!"

-"How was that a date?"

-"uhm...we had dinner, and then we came home and had crazy birthday sex!"

-"Who's birthday was it?"

-"i have no idea, but i thank them for having it!!!"

it is of the writers opinion, which can most definitely be dismissed by most on grounds of a distorted sense of humor and the fact that what was said just wasn't funny, that this was some of my best work in the last week.

fuck me...eating caramels reminds me of her.

I might be screwed.

In the past week Ive sustained a moderately severe injury, and feel like my mind should be focused on the healing process. I'm surprised, though, because In the midst of the pain which has become more of an annoyance as opposed to an actually uncomfortable situation, I find my mind and taste buds conversing, and partaking in the remembrance of why I'm still attracted to her, even though she's in a land far, far away. I do things now, to keep her fresh in my thoughts. Revisiting a moment suspended in time with my vision that portrays a content feeling on both of our faces. Listening to sounds that have been carefully selected, that for one reason or another, give me a feeling as if she were close enough to feel her warmth. Using my sense of touch, as limited as it may be, to clean and refresh the ridges and bumps of a machine that will always hold a direct correlation to her. And now, without warning, being catapulted into the memory of lazy couch moments, ignited only by the sweet, sugary goodness that only a caramel can provide, there she she is.

I feel like my senses have been hijacked remotely. I didn't know that was even possible. I'm not complaining, I'm just, once again, (and starting to hope that this is to be a recurring theme) pleasantly surprised.

I'm awaiting your stories, and cant wait to hear your laughter while I'm granted the gift to lay eyes on your hauntingly beautiful smile once again, even if only for a short while.

she was perfect...

and she will be missed more than anyone will ever know.

see. here’s the thing…

I’ve been thinking a lot today. I’ve had a bunch on my mind, but I can’t seem to prioritize these thoughts because no matter how hard I try, she cuts in and ruins the process. It’s pathetic really. Even the distractions aren’t serving their purpose today. Television is just noise in my ears as my vision recalls the intricacies of her face. The immersion into conversation with good friends only leads back to the inevitable relation of my situation to theirs, which just returns to what I think I lack in my life, and the disappointment of this quickly evaporating fantasy. Working out has become the closest escape, only because the physical pain drowns out the mental process, but as soon as the pain subsides, there she is, with her head on the pillow, staring at me with that look of amusement that I’ve taken a mental snapshot of, whenever I close my eyes. Its torture, but I’ve done this to myself even though I knew better.

The thing that scares me the most is that I might have been wrong to put a mechanism in place that has served me so well in the past, which has seized up in my current situation. The choice to partake in feelings of lust and love knowing that it will at some point come to an end, just to appreciate them more when they do present themselves after an extended absence. In this situation, however, it’s not working. I see myself grasping for anything to hold my ground, and yet I can’t stop slipping into this void of loneliness. I grew up alone, developed my own techniques to help cope with the malicious solitude of being a single person in a world of pairs, and keep telling myself that I don’t need anybody. This situation is more than that to me though. It holds the highest highs, and lowest lows that I’ve felt in quite some time. It has more to do with our interactions as it does a solution to being single. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve experienced love before, but I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love like this as backwards as it seems. Realizing that there is a fine line between infatuation and falling in love, I’m having a hard time drawing a boundary. Infatuation to me has to do with admiration, whereas falling in love has much more to do with the undeniable reciprocated connection between two.

I’ve had a taste of what we have to offer each other though, and I can’t help but realize how well it blatantly complements both of us. That alone gives me hope in a situation of uncertainty.

I know that you don’t have the same feelings for me as I do for you, and somehow, for some reason, I still have to get this out there.

whoa, whoa, whoa...and whoa!!!

Im not a very experimental person. I like what I know and I know what I like, which could potentially lead to unknown issues of close mindedness, Im sure. I also realize that there are things I have yet to discover which has some quality which I enjoy, and would potentially become adopted in an effort to further develop my collective arsenal of preferred practices.

I became intimately familiar with one of those things today, and had no idea how to react to it. in the heat of the moment, a thought popped into my head, and although nonconventional (to me) I somehow gathered the audacity to ask. I was immediately boosted into a realm in which I knew existed, but never imagined I would visit. I have no idea what the shit made me comfortable enough to ask (compliment in disguise), but nonetheless, I asked, I received, and it was mind blowingly good. Its now in my arsenal.

After a moment of clarity, however, I immediately felt disgusted confused, and disappointed with myself about what took place. I cant tell you why that was my initial reaction, but it lead to a little self reflection to say the least. Maybe it is an issue of what is taboo in our culture. Could be an issue of mild violation. Honestly, I dont know, and I cant say I ever will. I did however come to a conclusion. This is now the second event that has taken place that has shaped my current mode of thought of what's good. The second issuance of technique that I find insanely pleasurable, that would have been lost if it weren't presented with my current situation, which in and of itself, is a road in which I've never been down. I've not considered myself previously to have lived a sheltered existence, but perhaps I have. There's a slight chance that the "I like what I know" mentality has been holding me back from taking my steps to true enlightenment. I might have to change the way I do things.

Thanks for that. :wink:
I hope to someday return the favor
Im off to dream of new and exciting things.