I miss my fucking friends.

I find it hard to rationalize all of this really. It's a matter that keeps me up at night, and prevents me from waking up once Ive acquired enough slumber. It's silly to think that I've made almost no progress in a little over two months on the matter, when I usually can, in most situations, solve anything over a brief span of time. The big speed bumps are just those, speed bumps. They prevent you from cruising at a speed that will allow you to arrive to your destination in a timely manner. They exist solely to get in your way, to force one to think about how the present moment will be navigated. But this one, among others, is a big one for me. Mountainous. Massive. Yet it exists as a mundane drone in my mind. Just gnawing away at me when my mind goes idle. I miss my fucking friends.

I'm at a point where the world could potentially come crashing down around me. The blames are distributed equally between myself and the world around me. My mother is sick, and my schooling has not gone to plan. I question who I am, and if I have the motivation to continue on in a society with practices I so strongly disagree with. I wallow in sorrows, but it's who am. I live in the deep darkness, and thrive the calm of desolate late nights. I appreciate solitude when times get tough. I work shit out in my mind, and don't pollute others with the minutia of my day to day. If you ask, I'll tell you, and sometimes, even if you don't, I'll tell you anyway. But rarely are there others around me who seem to want to hear my story. Mainly, I feel like those around me tolerate me, with the attitude of, "oh, he's a talker, so I'll just let him." I'm starting come to the realization that either I am extremely boring, or others around me are just too busy to take a minute and proactively ask how I am beyond the obligatory greeting. maybe its a combination of the two. Granted, There are those, as in any situation, who will interact just for the sake of interaction. Not to gain anything, really, but that wait for their turn to talk. Then there are others who will take your money in exchange for the privilege to talk. Those are the ones who keep me up at night. The detached majority who float through, but rarely gain. It causes retreat, and albeit unhealthy, it is a method for dealing with the world as it is. Now, I'm forced with situations that I feel like I should be sharing with people, to gain perspective, to acquire confidence, to have my back when things get iffy. I'm beginning to understand how precious it is to find a group of people who truly interact with one another. How rare it is to find a group who create memories on accident, and leave it to chance that things will work. I took for granted the fact that these people were around. I didn't express my appreciation enough. I should have, but I didn't.

To those who are still around not in vicinity but in content, I thank you. Your interactions make worthwhile the wading through all the bullshit, and I look forward to catching up with you soon. To those around me, I thank you. Your presence is appreciated even if I don't say it often enough. To those around me who I've let slip away, I hope that at some point forgiveness will be served, as I know no other way to handle life's stresses, I condense my interactions to a small few, in an effort to alleviate the passing of stress from one link of the chain to another. For those Ive left behind entirely, I hope your life is enriched beyond measure, and I'm sorry we didn't see eye to eye. For those who I don't yet know, I find peace in knowing that you're out there, and that our paths will someday cross. A moderately ramble-some message I know, but I miss my fucking friends.