The morning brought very little today. No rest, no conclusions, no second chances, no new ideas of how to handle things. It only brought an unexpected reminder. An alarm for an important day sounded that was placed by one who is no longer in my life. This is a circumstance of my own doing, this I know, and I accept. I didn't know any better, and in retrospect, it was handled with a lack of class and wisdom that I usually pride myself in. I had to get away from a situation, and in doing so, I blew the bridge behind me, as to ensure that there would be no chance of my return in the future.
These thoughts lead to others, and those to others, and so on, and so on. Ive come to a conclusion though, as dismal and dark as it may be: I am nothing. I mean nothing, and although I try to surround myself with others who are capable of partaking in genuine friendship, the resilience of mankind will overshadow anything that I could possibly bring to the table. There are many others like me. I am not a one in a million. I am not a catch, I am not a find. I consume more that I give. I forget more than I can remember. I manipulate more than adapt. I lie to affect outcome. and I do these things to maintain a sense of control in a world in which I have none. I am on the verge of losing an important person. I'm heartbroken without ability to repair. I contribute nothing but spur of the moment irrational decisions. I am unable to forgive.I really have very little to offer.
The one aforementioned part of this rant, and the only thing that provides me with comfort, is the fact that this society in which I am a part, is an organism that will consume me, and not shed light on the fact that my mind is in pieces. I can sink to the depths of the deep dark beyond, and not a soul will be affected by such a waste of time and flesh once time has inevitably completed its process. Somehow, that seems to put my mind at ease.
Rise Up
11 years ago